“I think I’m oblivious to flirting.”

From Michele: “I’m confused. I’m in my early to mid twenties and I’m realizing guys have been paying attention to me this whole time but were and still are being overly subtle. Only way I can pick up is if friends notice or some time later, I realize it. If I have tried to salvage, it becomes awkward on their end. What can I do to help combat this? Am I too oblivious perhaps?”

This sounds like a textbook case of Attraction Obliviousness. And the unfortunate news is that there isn’t an easy cure. Some folks just have trouble picking up on the signs. The subtle physical contact, the laughing a bit too long at things you say, and the random online communication might as well be in an alien language. There are things you can do to make your dating life easier, but before we get to that, let’s talk about why guys keep things vague.

“I don’t think Tinder is good for me.”

From Erin: “I’ve used tinder for a long time now. I used to think it wasn’t so bad but now I see the effects of it. I feel like I always can be replaced and am disposable. As well, I need to be 100% perfect in order to be taken out, even for something simple as a coffee date. I see it merging into my every day life. I feel more insecure than i did starting the app and with already minimal dating experience, besides a kiss, i think guys won’t want anything to do with me. I feel confused and lost.”

Tinder is reducing you to a commodity and crushing your self-esteem. While other people may be having a different experience with Tinder than you are, the only experience that matters is yours. Because of that, my strong recommendation 

“I can’t get past the abuse.”

From Sara: “I met this guy at a charity event and he seemed normal and sweet. Although sweet before, lately he’s been odd like whenever he’s horny, and he is abusive. He pressures me for sex and nudes and tells me the only way for him to like me and us to date is if I agree to his demands -sex, nudes etc. He also found out I never had sex and he treated me even worse once knowing this and said he just needs to toss me aside. I ended up blocking him and never having anything sexual with him. Although I never complied with his demands, I feel like crap. He made me feel bad for my decisions and I’ve been crying myself to sleep. How do I get through this and not let his abusive nature affect me more than it has? He told me he’s been treated badly by women but I don’t think this is fair to treat another women badly for his past.”

This man is terrible. Irredeemably terrible. There is nothing in his past that could possibly justify his treatment of you or the women he’ll abuse after you. Men who hate women always have a reason why they physically or mentally abuse. And that reason never justifies the action. Abusing someone is a choice, and this man made this choice again and again.

You did the right thing in cutting off all contact, but there is more that you’re going to have to do to get past this.

“I’m still a virgin. How do I stay positive?”

From Anon: “I’m almost my mid twenties and I’ve never had a bf or had sex. People have told me they think I’m attractive and are surprised by lack of relationships and sex. I’ve kissed guys but that’s it. I’m trying online dating Bc people where I live aren’t the type to approach others and if I have, it’s backfired badly. Online dating makes me feel kinda depressed. I feel like most guys don’t want a relationship anymore and all I get are guys doing the nice guy routine or straight up douche bags that ask me to suck their dick. How do I stay positive and not let this hurt me? I feel like I’m going to end up alone with how dating is today. Thanks for your time.”

It sounds like you’ve walked a tough road dating-wise. I’ll start by saying that plenty of folks are in exactly your position, but I will follow up by saying that I know that knowledge won’t make you feel any better. The fact of the matter is

“I’m not comfortable going out drinking by myself.”

From Jackie: “I like to go out on the town every now and then but I only have a couple single female friends and our schedules don’t match up often. I’m not comfortable going by myself if I plan on drinking. Any suggestions?”

I don’t think I can talk you into being comfortable going out and drinking by yourself. And, frankly, I don’t want to.

“This new guy has trust issues.”

From Molly: “Hey so I’ve met this guy and things seem good. However, after getting to know him more, he has some trust issues. He said I haven’t done anything alarming or concerning but emphasizes the word yet. He’s been burned in the past and used but so have I, which I’ve communicated to him. We talked it through the and things seem fine, though at times I think he still pulls away to avoid getting hurt. I’m concerned he’s self sabotaging this situation. I know I can’t change anything but could you give me some insight on what to do? And maybe what he’s potentially thinking? I know you aren’t a mind reader nor know the guy.”

I don’t know the guy, but I do know the pattern. And it is a very easy step for a guy to take from “having trust issues” into “having relationship-crippling jealousy.”

“We’ve never split bills before, so how do we do it?”

From Erin: “Hey John! This summer I’m going to be moving into a new place with my boyfriend of 2 years. We’ve technically lived together before under his parents’ roof (which we did quite well), but never in our own place while sharing bills. Do you have any tips for what to do before cohabitating/how to make this work best?”

Erin, as with most things in life, communication is greatest tool. But before we get into that, congratulations on cohabitation! Even though you’ve lived together in his parents’ house, this is definitely different and you should be sure to celebrate the milestone.

As far as splitting the bills go,

“I’ve already failed at my New Year’s Resolution. Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

New Year’s Resolutions are wonderful in concept. The changing of the calendar gives people the impetus (and the justification) for a fresh start at the gym, or in their love life, or at school or work.

Unfortunately, simply declaring that you will do something does not mean that you’re going to get it done. For a resolution to stick, you need to build infrastructure around it. If your resolution is to get in shape, you just can’t say “ok, I’m going to go to the gym every day no matter what.” and then march bravely into the sports club you just joined. You will go that first day. You may go that second day. But if you skip a day because you’re sore or tired or life gets in the way, you’ll lose that fire quickly. The resolution falls apart and you’re stuck with a gym membership you’re not using and a demoralizing sense of failure.

So how precisely do you keep a resolution?

The Advice Men

Since Guyspeak.com’s untimely demise, I’ve been writing advice for a new website:

The Advice Men

It’s good. So’s the advice. You’re welcome, America.

Sense and Serpability – Shelving It

Hey team,

I’ve been getting asked where the profound and life-changing advice has been for the past couple of months. Well, it’s on the shelf for now. I’ve put my spurs away and will only take them down again when America truly needs my brand of justice.

In the meantime, if you want some good quality love advice, go to GuySpeak. Those guys do fine, fine work.

Be safe, all. I’ll see you again, in your darkest hour.